The recovering perfectionist’s guide to a kinder to do list: Less pressure, more progress

photo credit: Jess Bailey

For us recovering perfectionists, the to do list can be a double edged sword. On one hand, it promises order and a sense of control. On the other, it can quickly morph into a tyrannical scroll, each unchecked item whispering accusations of failure and inadequacy. The very tool meant to organize our lives can become a breeding ground for anxiety and the familiar urge to achieve flawless completion.

But what if our to do lists could be different? What if they could be gentle guides rather than demanding overlords? The key lies in how we structure and frame them. Here’s a roadmap to creating a kinder, more compassionate to do list that supports progress without triggering the perfectionist pressure cooker.

Reframe to-do as to-consider

The very language we use can set the tone. Instead of a rigid to-do list, think of it as a to-consider list or a potential actions list. This subtle shift in wording introduces a sense of choice and flexibility, reminding you that these are options, not mandates.

Top 3 (maybe 5) rule

Resist the urge to brain-dump every single task swirling in your mind. Instead, identify the top 3 (or maybe 5) most important or impactful things you’d like to focus on today. This creates a manageable and less overwhelming starting point. The rest can live in a someday/maybe section or a less prominent part of your list.

Break down the big rocks

Perfectionists often get bogged down by large, intimidating tasks. “Write the report” can feel paralyzing. Break it down into smaller, more actionable steps: “Outline report sections,” “Research statistics for section 2,” “Write introduction.” These smaller steps feel less daunting and provide a sense of accomplishment as you tick them off.

Prioritize with kindness, not urgency

Instead of ranking tasks based on perceived urgency or external pressure, prioritize based on what truly aligns with your values or what will bring you the most sense of progress and satisfaction (not just achievement). Ask yourself: “What feels most meaningful to focus on right now?”

Grace Space - intentionally under-schedule

This is crucial for recovering perfectionists. Don’t pack your day back-to-back. Intentionally leave grace space – pockets of unscheduled time – between tasks. This allows for unexpected delays, moments of rest, or simply the freedom to deviate from the plan without feeling like you're falling behind. This buffer zone actively counters the perfectionist need for flawless adherence to a rigid schedule.

Categorize for clarity, not control

Instead of one long, overwhelming list, consider using categories like “Work,” “Personal,” “Creative,” or “Self-Care.” This provides structure without feeling restrictive. It also helps you see if you're neglecting certain areas of your life in your pursuit of perfect productivity in one domain.

Good enough section

This might feel revolutionary! Intentionally include tasks where your goal is good enough, not perfect. For example, “Draft blog post (aim for 80% complete).” This helps you practice letting go of the all-or-nothing mentality and embracing progress over flawless execution.

Review and revise with compassion

At the end of the day, look at your list with kindness. Acknowledge what you did accomplish, even if it wasn’t everything. If tasks remain unchecked, ask yourself why without judgment. Did you overestimate your time? Did something unexpected come up? Adjust your list for the next day with this new information, treating it as a flexible guide, not a testament to your worth.

Celebrate being alongside doing

Actively include non-productive items on your list, like “Enjoy a cup of tea mindfully,” “Take a 15-minute walk,” or “Read a chapter for pleasure.” This reminds you that living is not a to-do list and that nurturing your well-being is just as important as crossing off tasks.

Permission to abandon clause

This is perhaps the most liberating rule for a recovering perfectionist. Give yourself explicit permission to abandon tasks that no longer feel relevant, important, or energizing. Just because it made it onto the list doesn't mean it’s a life sentence. Cross it off with a sense of freedom, not guilt.

The goal: progress, not perfection

The aim of this kinder to-do list isn’t to become unproductive. It’s to shift your relationship with productivity from one of pressure and self-criticism to one of intention, progress, and self-compassion. By structuring and framing your list with your recovering perfectionist tendencies in mind, you can create a tool that supports your goals without sacrificing your peace of mind. Remember, progress, in all its imperfect glory, is always enough.